Wednesday, September 7, 2011
What's Your Fantasy?
With the NFL season starting Thursday and most fantasy football drafts in the books I wanted to do a fantasy football special. After drafting in 3 leagues and being an 11 year fantasy football veteran, I’ve seen a lot at fantasy drafts. Most players fall into one or more categories. For those not familiar with fantasy football drafts they come in a variety of forms. Whether online or in person a lot goes on. Once the season starts, it gets even more interesting. For those who are familiar, I’m sure you’ll identify with many of the following people and perhaps can see which category or categories you fall into. Here are the 23 different “types” of fantasy drafters/players. If you think of any type I’ve missed or would like to add to list be sure to leave a comment. Here we go:
1. The Other League Guy – This guy is easy to spot or better yet easy to hear. This guy is always bragging about his conquests in other leagues. “I dominated my other league’s draft”; “I’m always in the playoffs in my other league” etc. Problem is this guy absolutely sucks in the league he’s drafting in. For all his conquests in the “other league” he is a pushover who talks a much bigger game than he brings.
2. The Shit Talker – This guy, much like the Other League Guy, is also hard to miss on draft day. No matter what pick, what round, this guy is always talking shit. He’ll tell you how great his team is (both fantasy and favorite NFL team), how he makes the best sleeper picks, how much he’s a stud with the ladies, how he caught the game winning pass in the undergrad intramural championship game, his job etc. We all know this guy so why wouldn’t he show up to the draft?
3. The Al Bundy – This guy is a close relative of the shit talker. The primary difference is he always brings up his past conquests. It doesn’t matter if it was last season or 2003, Al Bundy will tell you about how great that magical season was. He reminds everyone that “insert team name here” are a past champion. If your league has a trophy, Al always points out where his teams name plate is. He is usually so busy bragging about his super bowl season, he generally forgets that he needs to draft a good team for this season.
4. The Old School Guy – The Old School Guy is another relative of Al Bundy. This guy drafts big name players who are 2-3 years past their fantasy prime. They are usually pretty satisfied with their team but the season usually always ends up badly for them. The Old School Guy is a natural enemy of The Shit Talker. After all, The Old School Guy gives The Shit Talker the opportunity to use classic lines like, “that was a great pick…..3 years ago.”
5. The Ivy Leaguer – This guy shows up to the draft with a laptop, folders full of cheat sheets, matrixes that show player’s tendencies in certain weather against certain matchups, and a couple draft magazines. He takes up the most space at the draft and usually arrives early to get his “war room” set up. He brags about how much research he did to prepare for the draft, yet still struggles to make the playoffs.
6. The Slacker – The Slacker is the complete opposite of the Ivy Leaguer. The Slacker really doesn’t put much effort into preparing for the draft, shows up without a pen and is always asking the Ivy Leaguer to borrow his magazine. The Slacker usually doesn’t take much time to analyze his picks yet somehow always makes the playoffs and has more Super Bowl titles than Al Bundy.
7. The Wannabe Ivy Leaguer- The Wannabe Ivy Leaguer is a 3rd cousin once removed of the Ivy Leaguer, The Old School Guy, The Other League Guy, and the Slacker. This guy semi prepares for the draft, has some football knowledge, and occasionally makes the playoffs. The Wannabe Ivy Leaguer tries to fit in with the Ivy Leaguer by spouting the great line “Damn it. That’s a great pick; I was going to take him with my next pick”. The Wannabe Ivy Leaguer, in actuality, had no intentions of drafting said player but it makes him feel better about himself. He also looks to boost his self esteem but sounding smart in front of the rest of the league.
8. The Real Slim Shady – The Real Slim Shady drafts horribly year in and year out yet somehow always manages to make the right trades or waiver wire pickups. It’s almost like this guy has some kind of inside information. He has his name all over the trophy as a Super Bowl winner and/or runner up. The Real Slim Shady usually is the league’s commissioner. Coincidence?
9. The Rapist – The Rapist is characterized by focusing on one specific position on draft night. For example, The Rapist may draft 6 running backs. He occasionally takes the backups to some big name backs. He claims he does it for “trade bait”. Problem is when it comes time to attempt a trade The Rapist tries to rape you. He asks for trades that are both unreasonable and that don’t make sense.
10. Potential Pete – Potential Pete drafts players who are full of potential. He takes chances on guys who can have big weeks, then shit the bed the next 3. On draft night Potential Pete always loves his team. He says things like “If (insert player’s name) has a big year, I’m going to be unstoppable”. Potential Pete rarely makes the playoffs and is often confused with The United Way.
11. The United Way – The United Way is the one guy that everyone wants to have in their league. As their name states, this guy is just charity. He donates his league fee every year and is just happy to be in the league. Every now and then he makes the playoffs but he is the one guy you look forward to have on your schedule.
12. Steve Jobs – Steve Jobs is specific to online drafts. Despite multiple explanations and the ease of doing a draft online, Steve is unable to figure it out. He turns what should be a relatively quick and easy draft into a 3 and ½ hours hassle. It’s 2011 but Steve Jobs can’t figure out the technology.
13. Waiver Wally – Waiver Wally is also known as the transaction guy. This guy lives on the waiver wire. His transactions usually total close to $100. He is always looking for a diamond in the rough and it doesn’t matter how much he has to spend to find it. Wally usually is unemployed, or works at a job that requires very little thought and gives him the time to spend 8 hours researching on NFL.com, and/or has no social life. Wally occasionally wins a Super Bowl but his net winnings are usually minimal.
14. The House Guy – The House Guy is usually married with a couple of kids under the age of 5. Whether it’s a live draft or an online, he invites the entire league to his house (basement) for the draft. The House Guy looks for reasons to drink beers and get away from his wife and kids. He is a distant cousin of The United Way because winning the league is not the top priority; not watching Yo Gabba Gabba for a few hours is worth the entry fee.
15. Commish Nazi – The guy has to be in total control of all aspects of the league. He makes sure everyone follows every single rule to the tee. The Nazi is also known to blow up at league members for not following the rules. What the Nazi usually fails to realize is that it’s not that serious and everyone in the league purposefully breaks the rules to get under his skin. He is a step brother of The Real Slim Shady and is known to pull some shenanigans when it will benefit his team.
16. The Message Board Champion – The Message Board Champion is just that. As the twin brother of The Shit Talker the MBC talks a ton of shit on the message board. He attempts to get under the skin of his weekly opponent. Win or lose he’s back at it the next week. The MBC along with Al Bundy and the Shit Talker usually dominate the message board.
17. And you are? – And you are is the polar opposite of the MBC. This guy either phones or Skypes his draft. He makes the occasionally waiver wire transaction but then you never hear from him until the next year’s draft. And you are stays in the middle of the pack and plays the entire season with anonymity. The only time you think of him is the week you play him or the week he steals a free agent from you.
18. IOU – The IOU is the worst type of fantasy player. This guy never pays his money on time which in turn messes up everyone else’s payments. Despite being consistently late, IOU is allowed back into the league each year.
19. Prior Commitment Guy – Prior Commitment Guy is the player that makes it hard to schedule the draft. He is related to the Other League Guy and is usually the only one who can’t make the agreed upon date that is convenient for the other members of the league. Much like IOU, the Prior Commitment Guy is always allowed back.
20. Homer Simpson – Homer is the drafter who always looks to take players from his hometown/favorite team. He claims to know that “insert player name” is going to have a big year because “I follow them religiously”. Homer is often doubly disappointed on Sundays when his hometown team loses and it costs his fantasy team as well. Homer also refuses to take players from his team’s biggest rival.
21. Ned Flanders – Stupid Flanders is Homer Simpson’s mortal enemy. He is a fan of Homer’s team’s biggest rival. Usually to get under the skin of Homer, Ned takes the top players from Homer’s team. This leads to Homer calling Ned a jinx and Ned replying with “even if he gets hurt I win”.
22. The Name Changer – The Name Changer seems to focus more on changing his team’s nickname and logo more so than the players on his team. He is The United Way’s little brother because 9 times out of 10 the Name Changer donates his money.
23. The Whiner – Last but not least we have the whiner. The whiner is always crying about something. Whether it’s his luck, the stupid waiver wire rules, or any of the other 22 types of players, the whiner is never happy. The Whiner, unlike Al Bundy, talks about his missed opportunities. He is always close but in the end something crazy always happens to him. This is another guy we all know.
That’s the list. Please comment if I left out a type of player. Most of us fit into at least one of these categories if not more. I hope this gave some non-fantasy football players some insight. Remember to like us on Facebook and follow on Twitter @Obs_Views_Blog Also be sure to connect with me on Linkedin (Jim Montgomery) Tell your friends to read as well. Until next time this is Jimbo saying, it’s not fantasy if it’s reality……..